Peace in the shadow of Pain

It was cold, dark, windy and wet when they arrived, 3am, emergency placement, siblings.

The bruising on the youngest child's face tearing me apart, silently.

The anger on the oldest child's face, seeping through every pore, tearing me apart, silently.

The blank look, vacant eyes of one of them, tearing me apart, silently.

Fear ripping through me, every part of me; what would tomorrow bring?How would I explain this to my other children, 4 of them, when we had agreed to take a break for awhile?What would I tell my clients scheduled to see me tomorrow, and the next day, and the next?How could i possibly meet all of these needs and stay sane?

6am, the sun was coming up in Denver, the youngest had not been able to fall asleep; so neither had I. But it was time to get the rest of the family up and going. Fear settles in, again, tearing me apart silently. She cries, softly, has nothing familiar to cling to, nothing had come with her.

She would not let me hold her, comfort her, get close to her. She too, has marks that I see now~ from her? or someone else? the thoughts tearing me apart, silently.

Pain and Pain and Pain and more pain.

The 3 month old sibling who was transported to a hospital instead of to foster care, has suffered multiple broken bones. they witnessed some of it, auditorily, or visually doesn't matter-that too is tearing me apart, silently. I remember the small, fragile body of my babies at 3 months-oh the pain of this.

But, ..... then, .......in the midst of this dark night of the soul, from within, comes comfort.
Comes relief, comes freedom.

I remember my mantra, taught to me by a wise soul, for the times when the pain is overwhelming and my human brain tries to convince me that I can not handle it, that I can not deal with the reality of this much pain.

"I am yours, they are yours, protect us all, bring peace. I share this pain with thee"

I repeat it over and over, offering up or out or somewhere, the pain that I can not possibly carry alone.

And it dissipates slowly, I begin to breathe and it decreases, I find my mind, my body and my spirit. I find peace again, internally.

I remember the soothing, safe, compassionate, caring, quiet, nice, gentle and understanding part of me as I slide back into relationship with some very scared childern; fully expecting some very challenging days ahead and knowing that if I am who I am always, I can do this.

I can face any challenge in this life, those I bring to me, and those that just appear, from a place of love, understanding and remaining true to who I am.

Their fear will not become my fear. Their anger will not become my anger. Their darkness will not become my darkness.

I will remain the soothing, safe, compassionate, caring, quiet, nice, gentle and understanding person that I know myself to be; regardless of what life brings.

And in that truth, I am set free. I find peace even in the shadow of pain.

Peace,
Juli
www.coaching-forlife.com