March/April 2012, Our 4^th Agreement~

                      Face the truth of what works and what does not; and make a change now~

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein.

This month, in this writing, at this moment, I choose to do something different.

 This month’s focus is to be Responding vs Reacting.

Yet I find myself drawn to Face the truth of what works and what does not; and make a change now instead. 

Today is April 16, and I sit in NYC preparing to speak at the Joint Council on International Children Services, alongside representatives from around the globe. 

I have just returned from Tampa, Florida after 4 days of training first responders to child abuse. The manifestation of secondary trauma for them was evident in their eyes, their tone, their energy and in their words. They are a hurting group….I hold them in esteem. 

Three days prior to that, I found myself in central California working with a massive group of child welfare and mental health providers for children from the hard place…you know that place; the place of abuse, hunger, pain, fear, terror, confusion, neglect and isolation.

 Today, April 16, I am feeling hungry, some pain, some fear, confusion and isolation myself. I miss my children, yet long to create a safe place for others. Don’t get me wrong, I have a close, connected, open and blessed relationship with all of my kids who get the depth of me every second that I am home with them. Yet I miss them, and I miss some much needed downtime for me. 

I know that in order to maintain this pace of mine, working to change the world for all children, I may need to change my world first.  I am in a quandary… I returned to my first posting in this series: I work to BE more and DO less. I have not faired well in this area…. 

I wonder if some of you may also need to return to our introduction and first two postings on my blog: http://www.coaching-forlife.com/blog/

And then the third posting here in this secure area for you members only~ 

I strongly encourage you to print each of these out, read them more than once and work them through the month. You will not grow and change if you merely skim this work, as most of us merely skim through life.

 I write from my heart, my spirit and my tired body this morning and welcome your responses. I am giving myself permission to write today, for March and April combined, to feel no stress to deliver more than is authentic for me in this moment, and to pray only that you are blessed by my work as I am so richly blessed by each of yours. 

My goal will be to bring May’s Agreement by the middle of this month. Whew, it is in writing!

 Back to my thoughts for this month: 

Keep doing what works, Jules. Change what does not work, Jules. Now. Hmmm…. 

That terrifies me; literally terrifies me. At times I feel imprisoned by circumstances. I can fall into feeling very stuck, with no way out, no choices, no options. You?

 Stop whining. Start winning. 

Dig out of this hole. 

Take your life back. 

Stop complaining, blaming others and justifying that which we do even when we know it does not work. 

I hear all of that wonderful, insightful encouragement that I offer to others yet today struggle to live it myself.

 I recently read a fascinating book, ‘Who Moved My Cheese” about change and transformation. In this book there are two mice in a maze abundant with food. They are fed cheese daily and after some time they come to expect that the cheese will continue to appear daily. Something changes and abundance in their part of the world declines. When their cheese does not show up for several days in a row, they feel powerless, lost, and hopeless and begin to whither away as they sit and wait for their nourishment to appear. Two other mice grow tired of waiting and instead move away from this part of the maze to search for cheese in new parts of the maze. Along the way they discover LIFE outside of the only part of the maze they had previously known and they prosper. The first two mice do not survive.

 I fear that I am in the maze that I seek to counsel others out of. My secret is out. I ask for grace and compassion as I seek to offer it to myself first.

 What does not work for me, and perhaps for some of you, is that I am back in a place of ‘have to’ instead of ‘choose to’.

 What I choose to do now, in this moment is to change that line. Right here, right now, on this flight (I have completed my work in NYC and am in route to San Luis Obispo, CA). 

 I choose to write this. I choose to teach for the next three days although I am tired. I choose to spend each moment in this day the way I choose to spend them. I choose to intentionally and consciously consider who I will spend time with and how I will spend that time. I choose to take hours off from the tasks that need attention at coaching for LIFE! and in addition, to instead spend them with myself in quiet, reflective contemplation. I choose to read a romance novel instead of another book on trauma and healing. 

I do not have to do anything. I choose. 

WOW, I feel some power returning. I actually feel energy in my body/mind/spirit as I type. There is movement in me. Nothing has changed outside of me, in all that requires my attention nothing has changed. But I am changing, now.

 How I miss my children-every moment that I am not with them. But they are growing up, all teens now with a growing life of their own. And I am on the road again. I choose to know that we are ok, We are all ok, they are ok. I am ok. I choose to know this now. 

I can choose and re-choose based on every moment of my life. If what I choose in this moment does not serve me in the next, I can change it! 

It is now evening, hours later than when I began. Here is what I have come up with.

 I have made a list of 5 things are working in my life.

I have made a list of 5 things that are not working in my life. 

I have asked my team at work to each make list of 5 things that are working in our business and 5 things are that not working in our business.

 We are going to change what does not work, now. At least one thing. I need to know that I am intentional in the evolution and growth of me, my family and my business. This I choose.

 Keep doing what works, Change what does not.

What are you ready to change?

Write it down, here and now.

Print this out, now. Read it again.

 Nothing will change until you do~ 

Until next time,

Peace, Jules

Juli1@coaching-forlife.com

 Post your comments and replies~the energy in the group keeps the synergy growing~

 If you are interested in a coaching session for yourself, please email me. We can talk for a few moments to decide if coaching is right for you!

We have learned about trauma.

We have learned about attachment.

We have learned about emotional regulation.

We have made all the appointments, met all the therapists, researched all the diagnosis, completed the mounds of paperwork, put our lives into a big fishbowl for others to review, run all the errands, made all the beds, started the laundry, dinner is on the stove, and the day is gone.

How did that happen? I thought I had planned well enough that I would have a couple of hours before the kids get home….and oh my, summer break is just around the corner.

I love my family, my children and my role in life.

And, I AM TIRED, stressed out and depleted at times.

Many parents have written to me over the years asking for ways to calm, work on their own stress and for suggestions for free or low cost means to feel better. I offer my response~

But, there is a catch.

I can share 10 tips for easy stress reduction; ways to help you get and stay more emotionally regulated and they will do you absolutely no good unless you practice them daily.

We have to intentionally take care of ourselves. Talking about it will not help. Doing it will.

What’s Breath got to do with it??

The emotional experience of stress triggers a chemical reaction in the brain. The chemical reaction impacts our physiological system. Now we have a brain/body reaction to stress.

The brain loses its ability for clear thinking, decision making and rational thought. We become impulsive, irrational and we do and say things that we soon regret.

The body becomes rigid, down to the cellular level we constrict under stress. Muscles tighten up, the jaw clenches, we often sweat as our heart rate increases and blood pumps more quickly under fire from the stress response system.

All of this happens for good reason! It primes us to respond to the stress~prepares us to take action through fight, flight or freeze against that which is threatening to us.

However, when we are pumped up, ready to fight, we simply add to that which has stressed us to begin with.  A fight is not what we typically need in our day to day lives to bring the situation back to calm. Fighting against a person fighting just gets us more fighting! We make bad decisions, we add to the anger and tension and we suffer in our emotional and physical being.

Breathing, deep breathing is the connection between our body, mind and spirit. It is through deep breaths that we bring both our emotional, physical and spiritual being back into regulation. Stop right now, take 3 very deep breaths, exhaling slowing and intentionally. Allow your body to relax a bit as you do. You will understand clearly how powerful a simple breath is to our Peace and healing.

The brain learns through repetition, the more you do something the more natural it becomes. I started practicing deep breathing years ago, now I unconsciously stop and breathe to bring myself to regulation all through the day. My stress is extremely low, my impulsive, frustrated, intolerant reactions are almost non existent. I can function from a state of love and calm even in the midst of the storm, which I, like you, have daily.

Integrated into the 10 tips for stress reduction for parents is breathing, lots of breathing. I encourage you to pick 2 or 3 of my suggestions and begin to practice them daily. You will change. Your life will change. When you change for the better, so too, will your family change. Try it for 30 days, you will be glad you did!

10 Tips for Stressed Parents:

AWARENESS:  unless you are aware of that which dysregulates, (stresses)  you, you cannot create an environment opposite to that for your healing.  We must first take a look inside and figure out what stresses us.   Make a note of any stressful, current situations in your life. What is it about this situation that stresses you? Write it down.  If there is something that you can do to change it, engage that change today. If there is not, you can always change you.

It is often our reaction to a situation that stresses us out as much as the situation itself. If your reaction is out of fear, anger or anxiety, choosing instead to stop before you react and taking 3 deep breaths, calms your mind and body. Your reaction is causing your stress response system to activate. We can calm the system instead of active the system simply through your breath.

EVERY HOUR: set your timer or alarm on your computer or phone to provide a soft, soothing reminder every hour of the day. When the alarm goes off, stop everything that you are doing, stand up, stretch your entire body for a full 60 seconds, take 3 very deep breaths and go back to work. You will feel better in one day. Guaranteed.

MEDITATION/PRAYER: every morning before your feet hit the floor, offer gratitude for another day, another chance, another breath. Thank God and the Universe for all that is provided you another day. Take three deep breaths to bring your mind/body/spirit into alignment before you hit the ground running. Stretch your body as much as you can when you first awaken. Your day will be better the very first day you begin this routine!

YOGA: if you cannot join a class, or purchase an inexpensive DVD yoga class to do in your own home, you can always find a yoga class on one of the health TV stations. Yoga helps you learn to control your breathing and increase heart rate variability. This helps the body to respond more flexibly to stress. Once a week is good, twice is better. Your body, your mind and your spirit will feel better in one week!

WALKING: a 15 minute brisk walk, two times a day increases the release of feel good chemicals into your brain and body. If it is cold out, walk inside. I sometimes will set my timer for 5 minutes and walk up and down the steps in my office 2-3 times a day to increase the cardio exercise. I follow that with three deep breaths and go back to work. Gets me feeling better every single time.

Any exercise rebalances melatonin which enhances sleep cycles and releases endorphins which enhances mood. Get up and move every day in some way.

SLEEP WELL AND REST DAILY: sleep deprivation keeps your nervous system on high-alert and your coritsol levels too high. This keeps you feeling anxious throughout the day. If you do not sleep well at night, rest during the day if you can, even for 30 minutest. This will bring your relaxation chemicals back to target.

SENSORY STIMULATION: your stress system is affected by sensory input; what you hear, taste, touch, smell and see.  Are your surroundings calm, soothing, tranquil and content?  If not, what can you do to change that, now? I listen to very soothing music with no words while I work. I light candles with light scent, and I use lamps with soft lighting. I create a sensory experience that draws me in with comfort.

TIME OUT: not for your kids, but for you if needed!  If you are at the point of blowing, you have permission to give yourself a time out.  Let your children or loved ones know that you will be back, that you just need to walk away for a few minutes.  That is must less damaging than what may slip out if you stay!

TRIPLE A’s: affection, attention and attunement.  Your kids need this everyday, but so do you.  Create relationships that are full of affection, that provide you with the attention you need, and that are attuned to your needs and wants. The more of these you get, the more you can share! Cultivate the friendships you long for; coffee with a good friend is more helpful than most therapy sessions!

Stop Drop and Roll: when all else fails and the stress returns,

            Stop: completely stop, stop talking, moving and reacting

            Drop: drop into deep breaths, slowly inhale and exhale focusing only on breath

            Roll: roll back into relationship only after you have calmed your mind and body

This provides a calm platform for both you and the other person to come back into safety. If the other person is still upset, work to remain slow in your movements and low in your tone of voice. This will help you remain calm and bring the other person down with you.

If you are in need of a personal coach, someone to help you, listen to you and direct you as a coach would do, please visit us at www.coaching-forlife.com

We have wonderful parent coaches, many free resources and links for articles, research and further information supporting you toward a more peaceful life!

Please reach out, if you need support, ask someone.  You are not alone.

And remember, breathe~

Juli Alvarado

Founder/Sr. Clinical Consultant

coaching for LIFE!

www.coaching-forlife.com

866-570-0604

Adoption Today

I AM the change….

 I have spent a lot of time reading books, going to trainings, and training others on the topic of raising foster and adopted children.

 I have spent countless hours trying to find the perfect way of raising and bringing healing to wounded children.

 I have taken on the enormous responsibility for the healing of others that bears down on my body/mind/spirit in ways that even I do not yet know (other than the headaches, stomach-aches and sleepless nights)

 I have been determined to ‘heal’ others.

I have been involved in support groups, calling in the troops when I needed a break and educating everyone I can who comes into contact with ‘my’ children.

 However, sometime in the past decade, I have finally realized that in doing all of this I had become so ‘busy’ filling my days, weeks, months and years with healing activities that I was ignoring the most vital healing task of all; the healing of myself.

 As foster and adoptive parents, we must learn about trauma and the outcome of trauma on the social, emotional and behavioral life of ‘our’ children. This is true. But we must also learn that we experience the trauma right along with the children whom we welcome into our homes. Their trauma becomes our trauma. This in addition to our own histories of trauma, which many of us have never integrated, can be a recipe for a stressed out family, stressed out home and parents who languish in this system right along with the very children we are called to serve.

It is vital and incumbent on each and every parent serving children to address what is within us first, to understand Self before we attempt to understand others, and to make a journey into the Healing Life before we can expect our children to. After all, we can not take a child to a place that we have never been, unless we agree to go with~

Instead of trying to fix ‘my’ children, or anyone else, or to fill my head with more knowledge, I had to make the transformation into healing myself first. I knew the rest would come if only I could do it first…and WOW, has it come!

 There is a great distinction between immersing ourselves in knowledge VS becoming transformed through that knowledge.

I compare this to reading and quoting scripture, VS LIVING by the scripture, whether you can quote it or not!

 The more that I learned about the impact of trauma on the mind/body/spirit of my children, the more I learned about the impact of trauma on MY mind/body/spirit.

Not only my past trauma, which we all have, but the trauma that each new placement brought into my home:

            The stress for my other children, of another new family member who took all of

                        mom’s attention

            The stress for me as the calls from schools and the police department came in

            The stress on my marriage

            The stress from the public at large staring at the raging child in the grocery store

            The stress from the foster care system demanding paper work that I could not

                        complete while spending all of my time caring for children

            The stress from some of the workers who obviously had no clue, literally…..

            The stress from having no idea myself, at times, what to do with this child

            And the stress from having no idea myself, WHY this child acted like he did

 My own body/mind/spirit had taken a hit. I had become as:

            Fragmented in my thinking

            Unable to sleep

            Challenged in maintaining relationship with the attachment challenged child

            And unhappy

As the children coming into my home!

Something had to change.

          I had to change.

You can not help anyone else empty their bucket of pain, if yours is full.

I had to learn to empty my bucket~ and I did.

I cannot provide for my family what I do not have myself~ In order to provide peace and calm for them, I had to have peace and calm for me. I had to practice the same emotional regulatory healing http://www.coaching-forlife.com/storage/Emotional%20Regulatory%20Healing%20defined%202011.pdf

for me, that I was practicing for them.  Learning to calm my nervous system, to find peace, quiet and calm every day, and to take good care of me had to come before I could take good care of anyone else!

I now practice a daily routine of mind/body/spirit healing.

            I walk and stretch every day: I set my watch and timer for every 60 minutes

                        through the day and I get up and walk and stretch for 5 minutes.

            I go to yoga and Pilates at least once a week (everything else I do is free!)

            I sit in complete quiet and pray, reflect and meditate on a life of peace for 5

                        minutes once a day. I see it, feel it, hear it, touch it, AM IT.

            Every morning, when I wake, before I hit the floor running, I breathe deeply

                        repeating a mantra: I AM PEACE as I breathe in and

                                    I AM THE CHANGE as I breathe out…I do this until I am fully

                                    awake, for about 2-3 minutes. My days have literally changed!

I now find more peace, more joy and less stress every day of my life. I do not react as I used to, but instead respond thoughtfully. I am not 'stressed out' even in the chaos and their trauma no longer becomes my trauma! I have tough days, we all do. But i do not become the tough day.

As I began to really take care of myself, not just talk about it, but actually do it, I began to feel better in my body/mind/spirit. This is healing. I am healing~ and WOW LIFE is so much better.

 A parent working to heal her/himself is a parent taking the first step toward the healing of their child.

 For more information about our work please visit us at www.coaching-forlife.com where you will find much free and supportive information on self care and the work we do on behalf of ‘our’ children.

 ‘Our’ children need you, they need us. Take good care of you so you can take good care of them.

Be the change,

Juli

www.coaching-forlife.com

Agreements keep the world working; spoken, unspoken, conscious, unconscious; We all have agreements. With our partners, spouses, children, co-workers, boss, parents and siblings. With the neighbors and the world at large we live by agreements.

12 Agreements with LIFE! is about creating and living by conscious, intentional and deliberate agreements; with self first and the world at large second.

As I began to consciously and intentionally live by the agreements that we will study over 2012 my life changed and continues to change today. As I changed, others around me changed. As I changed my LIFE changed. Nothing changes until you do.

Unnecessary drama, trauma and stress began to melt away.

There was room for Peace to enter.

Drama decreased. Peace increased. I am happier, more content, authentic and fulfilled than I have ever been as I plan to celebrate my first 50 years of LIFE in 2012!

Have I changed the world around me? Or do I 'see' and 'experience' LIFE differently?

As Mahatma Gandhi so eloquently taught, You must be the change you wish to see in the world~

This course of study with me will not be short and sweet; it will not be a sentence or two for you to read and move on from; it will not be light material.

This is a course for those seeking authentic, deep, spiritual change; for those who are sure that they are ready for others to 'see' them differently, beginning today. This is a course for those willing and ready to read these posts, print them out, read them again, pray and meditate about them, practice them every day, talk to others about them and to make them real, not another 'self help' gimmick to make you feel better for the fleeting moments during which you hear them or read them. But for eternity~

If you are ready to shed some layers,  and to fill yourself with that which you may not even feel worthy of in this moment, this is a course for you.

No more dogma, no more mystery. Faith is a verb, Love is a verb, Change is a verb. We are being called to action, now. Not later, now. Your change must begin in this moment.

Take a deep breath. Stretch your body. Clear your mind. Fill your spirit.

If you were the person today who you long to be, what would you look like? Sound like? BE like? How would friends, family and strangers describe you if you were that person today?

Stop now, take a few moments, all the moments you need.

Visualize yourself as the person you long to be.

What do you have on, where do you work, who is in your life, how much do you weigh, who do you spend the majority of your time with, is your passion fulfilled, ARE YOU HAPPY?

Would you speak your truth, be yourself, acknowledge your deepest desires that you have but one lifetime in which to fill them? Would you find meaning and purpose to your existence?

Spend some time wrapped up in the person you long to be. Get some clarity. Even if you are not completely sure, you know things need to be different or you would not be here. What are the changes you need to make?

Can you imagine being honored and loved for who you truly are, supporting and honoring fully others life missions, even when different from your own, from a place of pure, radiant love and acceptance?

Can you imagine being true to yourself first by living your highest values every day, at home and work?

There is one major agreement, that supersedes all of the 12 agreements we will study this year. This one agreement must be the first priority of living with integrity. This most vital agreement is the underlying, consistent requirement to live a life of Peace. This first agreement is:

I agree to be my Self~

Self is capitalized to designate the divine, unique Self in each of us. Our Divine Creator has a plan just for you, not for anyone else. You are created as a unique, necessary human BEING sent here for a purpose. There is not one other person just like you, there is not one other YOU. You are it. You are loved and needed and Divine.

Until you accept, honor, love and LIVE yourSelf the rest of this work will be for not....

If you are not in a relationship, home, environment, office or LIFE where Self is honored, where your Self feels safe and accepted, it is time to make a change. Now.

You die when you lose yourSelf. You can not LIVE if you do not honor yourSelf.

Breathe gently now. Move with ease. This is a lot, and each time we post and work together it will be more. This is the work of LIFE! Welcome to LIFE! where you will feel, come alive, know and BE more than you are in this moment.

So, before we move into the 12 Agreements with LIFE! for 2012, here is the beginning chapter:

I agree to be mySelf~

I agree to be who I am~

To accept others for who they are with no need to change them~

And to appreciate with gratitude this very moment, and each moment of LIFE as mySelf~

Print this out, read it again, talk to a trusted person about this, practice it NOW.

This work is not all my creation. I have been reading and studying and practicing for more than 20 years. working in the field of trauma, living in trauma, surviving my own trauma has brought about the experiences needed to allow me to share with you a world full of wisdom, healing and positive energy full of light.

I see myself as a steward of information and know that this work will take on a LIFE of it's own for each of you~

Living a positive LIFE and living by agreements may seem simple, and really the agreements aresimple. Following these agreements during challenging times will not always be so simple. It will take practice. Change takes practice.

You will be pulled back into dark places, into responding to LIFE as you would have before this program. The world will bombard you with opportunities to stay in the chaos, drama and trauma.

It is always your choice. Always.

Is it worth it? YES! Come with me and others who are discovering a world of Peace, joy and quiet.

I like most of you, juggle a full time business, a large/active family, travel, finances, friendships, aging parents and my own spiritual growth. I am challenged everyday in some way.

Following these agreements has allowed me to create this LIFE, that works! I LOVE MY LIFE! I LOVE ME, finally!

So YES< it is worth it!

The possibility in your life is beyond what your mind can imagine right now.

You have the potential, whether you are a public figure, or a mom home raising wounded children, through living your own LIFE of truth and integrity, to change this world. Beginning with YOU!

Until next time, and looking forward to your posts, thoughts, replies in the meantime~

To the Peace within each of you that we may all know Peace on earth~

Jules

www.coaching-forlife.com

juli1@coaching-forlife.com

http://www.facebook.com/julicoachingforlife?v=wall

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I remember when Colorado went from 7 to 3 inpatient child/adolescent psychiatric hospital settings years ago.

I was the Clinical Director of the case management group responsible for the care and discharge for all Medicaid covered children requiring inpatient psychiatric care across our entire state.

We were scared to death when we heard the news: Inpatient Psychiatric Care will not be an option for 70% of the children who had been hospitalized in the past years.

What would we do with all of those children? Who would take them, how, where?

That was more than a decade ago, when average inpatient stays for kids could be months, and many I treated had been inpatient for years. It was what we knew and all we knew, until it was no longer an option.

What if discharging our challenging children from foster care or residential for the same reasons that they come to us, were no longer an option? What if our case for review this summer: A 14 year old male; 5 placements; 2 failed adoptions; 3 years in a residential facility who is now moved into a ‘permanent’ home came to us as part of a program based in Unconditional Care, where failed placement is not an option ever discussed?

As a foster parent, it is a bit scary. As a home based therapist, it is a bit scary. As the director of a treatment foster care program, that is scary. As the clinical director of a group home that is pretty scary.

Through the lens of this young man it is more scary.

But not impossible.

What is fear anyway, an excuse not to try; not to live, but to merely exist in what we have known even when we know that it does not work?? No thanks, not anymore.

We have to do something different.

At coaching for LIFE! we are interested in engaging the most challenging children and families; you know the ones, they have failed and been failed by the system, by their families and by other adults in their lives.

These children somehow invite every new person in their life to abandon them again. They fail through a series of placements and become the most expensive children for the system to serve, now and later.

 In our work with agencies across the US, we work to not discharge once placed.

We figure out what the child needs and how to meet their needs through increased training, preparation and support to the foster parents, instead of expecting the child to somehow meet our needs for conditional care.  Challenging, heck yes, impossible…NO.

We turn all of our attention from the child, to the caretaker.

As a caretaker I have to admit, at first I was scared to death. Now, I would have it no other way. It is the only way it works. Period.

Back to our child in review:

His behaviors have become unpredictable, triggered from ‘nowhere’ and at times he is threatening and hostile. There are several other kids in this home, biological and foster/adopt. He targets a biological son in the home now. His younger brother has been adopted into this home and the parents are highly engaged in our process and giving these siblings an opportunity of a lifetime.

 Children with his history typically display highly provocative behaviors towards adults; aggression, defiance, sexual acting out, harm to self and threats to others. While most children develop an internal sense of accomplishment when mastering new living skills and are driven through external rewards, 'our' children don't tend in that direction.

We begin with realistic expectations of this behavior to come. We prepare and talk openly about this happening, because it will. We talk consistently about what would bring about their request for removal if that had been an option and then prepare them for that exact thing to happen; but with a different outcome.

We know that trauma impacts the brains ability to process information accurately, and that trauma impacts the development of the regulatory and attachment system.  An attachment system and an emotional regulatory system not optimally developed result in external behaviors that indicate lack of healthy attachment and emotional regulation.

 Dysregulated Brain = Dysregulated Behaviors

 Regulated Brain= Regulated Behaviors

Our work then is to develop the parenting paradigms that focus on changing the traumatized brain from dysregulated to more regulated. I did not say always, or 100% or unfailingly regulated. I merely said more regulated.

Prevention and Intervention in this case:

From the first day of placement we know that every sensory experiencefor this young man either increases DYSregulation or REGulation. We want an increase in REGulation only.

The part of the brain that takes in sensory experiences is also the fear receptor of our brain/body. This part of the brain uses the sensory pathways to calm us or kick us into fight, flight or freeze. This child is often stuck in fight. We must work to calm the brain in order to calm the fight mode.

Think of calming music, the smell of chocolate chip cookies and the feel of your favorite old jeans.

Now think of the sound of acid rock, the smell of feces and the feel of sand paper against your fingernails. Get it?

What he sees, smells, tastes, touches and hears will either excite his brain more or work to calm his brain. We begin work immediately with the parents playing investigator and learning every sight, sound, smell, taste or feeling that calms or excites this child. We put into place, intentionally put into place, sensory experiences that we know may bring calm to him on a repetitive basis, daily for the first 90 days of placement.

The brain learns through repetition, the brain learns through repetition, the brain learns through repetition.....need I say that again? The brain learns through repetition.

We know that this child 'sees' life, love, family and relationship through a lens that is different than the lens of his new parents. We work immediately to help the parents understand that this child's view of family, love, life and parents is only temporary. That is all he knows. He can not understand family from their perspective. He has never had a forever family. Those are the adult's words, they make sense to us. The do not make sense to a child who has never had it. We learn to use the child's words, not ours. And slowly, over time, our words will become his; just as with a toddler learning to attach meaning to new words every day.

We create parent/child exchanges that are relevant; that match the child's emotional, not just chronological age. When children are regressed they are telling us where there was some trauma in early development. It is incumbent upon us to treat our children at their developmental age in order to provide the opportunity for developing successfully through that stage, that was not offered when it should have been.

We purposefully relate to this child in a happy, joy filled and fun manner at all times. When we are frustrated, angry, tired or dysregulated ourselves we apologize for relating in a way that may have scared our child and we take responsibility for not acting out of love, but instead getting caught in fear. (WE ALL DO THIS at times.) Role modeling is a great way to teach, so for all of you lecturers out there...take note...

 We consciously create rewarding interactions every day that are higher in number than interactions that are not rewarding. The child will not get motivated to relate to us if it is not rewarding for him....

Slow and Low; we teach these parents that slowing down, in speech, body movement and thinking actually bring the child to a slower pace with you, over time. As we lower our body and lower our voice our children get used to that, and will actually seek it out.

They come to us accustomed to loud, aggressive, hostile and fearful voices and movements and so they seek that out in us, even pushing us to it if we don't volunteer....you know what I mean. So this one may take some time, but I promise, you will feel better first and your child will follow. I promise, over time....

 Regulation is relationship dependent: we know from brain research as well as research in healing, that our level of emotional regulation rubs off on those around us. It is thus imperative for parents to work on, consciously work on their own level of emotional regulation that they then provide as a platform for their child. A stressed out parent produces a stressed out child. We are teaching this young man's new parents the following:

        conscious breathing, relaxation, nutrition, exercise and daily solitude for mind/body/spirit

We have found that an integration of the most recent research in neurodevelopment along with ancient paradigms in healing of mind/body/spirit are producing the most effective results in our children of trauma. And so as we coach this family toward happy, healthy relationship we work weekly with the parents who in turn provide to the child all that we offer.

We know that the attachment must happen between parent/child, not between therapist/child. We at coaching for LIFE! rarely meet the children, but instead provide the parents and their team with a plan for peaceful parenting which produces peaceful families.

For more information on our healing work please visit us at www.coaching-forlife.com

For more information on our Simply Healing Retreats for adults please visit us at 

http://www.coaching-forlife.com/simply-healing-retreat/

And as always, please post comments for all of us to learn and grow from.

On behalf of 'our' children, Failed Placements can no longer be an option. 

We work to leave the legacy of peaceful, healthy families for all children.

Peace,

Juli

 Introductory Coaching Call $45    http://www.coaching-forlife.com/45min-coachsession/

Can you protect me?

Will you keep me? Can you 'see' me?

The unspoken questions from 'our' children...

It is time to answer them~

I am concerned with the number of children who move from home to home in foster care. I am worried about the babies who are learning to see life, love, family and relationship as insecure, ever changing, undependable and scary components of their existence.

We have to stop moving children from one home to another. NOW.

Trauma Informed and attachment focused programs are coming up quickly, but not quickly enough. Too many children will be moved yet again, today.

What I look for first, in organizations seeking trauma informed program development through coaching for LIFE!, is a policy of Unconditional Care, or at least attempts to implement such policy.

Unconditional Care basically calls for the refusal to discharge any child from our child welfare programs, for the same reason that the child was admitted. It is a commitment to remain connected to this child, and their family, through the most severe, difficult behaviors as we work to achieve emotional, social and behavioral regulation for the child.

Emotional Regulatory Healing (ERH), the Trauma Informed paradigm that we teach through coaching for LIFE! is an implicit model toward Unconditional Care for our foster care programs.

Unlike other models of therapy, ERH is not simply a method of providing therapy, or parenting; it is a trauma informed, relationship based model of prevention and intervention that is always, always at work whether at home or in the office. It is an ever present, always operating in the background foundation of relationship first, intervention last.

ERH as prevention calls for the establishment of a new tone in relationship between caregiver and child. ERH calls for the expectation of safety and acceptance in every interaction first, and discipline or teaching second. Even as specific and explicit interventions toward the modification of behavior are utilized we remain persistent in the fundamental commitment to remaining in safe relationship to the child as the first priority.

Relationship, through the eyes of our children, has become unsafe; through isolation, institutional treatment of children even in family homes, restraint, facial expressions, anger, exasperation of staff and tired parents, our children have come to expect that their behaviors will become too much and that they will be moved. This expectation creates an internal working model for them which perpetuates their attachment challenges, and creates opportunity after opportunity for them to prove to self and others that they will, indeed, be moved again.  And they are moved again, which perpetuates their internal working model.

The child's repeated experience of exclusion and failure becomes their story, through our system and through their lifespan. Their lifestory is ripe with exclusion and failure.

It is up to us, the macrosystem, to find a way through this and to stop this cycle.

As a foster parent, I am well aware of what I am asking for. As a foster parent I have wanted  and have asked for children to be removed from my home. As a foster parent I have been pushed up against that wall of Unconditional Care choice. As a foster parent I have blamed the system for not providing all that I need to maintain this 'placement', and I have 'seen' children as 'placements' and called them such.

No more. Not again. Not ever again.

As a therapist, a program administrator and teacher, I am called to create programs now, that understand from a trauma informed perspective, the means for bringing children in safely, keeping them safe and wrapping families up in a supportive manner that allows for the drastic decrease in turnover of 'our' children. NOW.

This means training foster parents NOT in the modification of behaviors, but in the creation of safe relationship perhaps for the first time in a child's life.  We must teach parents the neurophysiological consequence of trauma, brain development and why our children do what they do. Then we must help these parents integrate this understanding into a new parenting paradigm. We can bury ourselves in understanding trauma but until we are transformed through that understanding it does us or our children little good. We must fully support these parents as they are transitioning from an old paradigm to the new. Children who have been hurt for a long time, may require a long time toward healing.... 

I am currently working with organizations and states who, through ERH, are creating safety in the work environment first so that they can teach parents to do the same in the home, which all trickles down to 'our' children gaining the benefit of safety surrounding them.

It is powerful to see the transformation of clinical and leadership employees to a trauma informed, regulated means for living and working and then to see the positive outcomes for the children in their care.

We are working with incredible families who are beginning to understand that as their children enact their story of exclusion and failure through their severe behaviors (provocative, risky, unsafe, hostile)  direct verbal intervention is not sufficient and that instead parents must, through their own regulated behaviors, disconfirm the child's negative belief about self by remaining ever present in safe relationship, YES, in the midst of the severe behavior.

 The story of 'our' children must be rewritten as a story of success in relationship. When we experience success in relationship we long for more relationship. When we long for instead of fear relationship we are internally motivated to create healthy relationship.

And isn't that what we each long for anyway; safety and acceptance in relationship.

We have seen incredible outcomes for children in the programs we are training and invite you to share this blog and our information with yours. For further information about our training and consultation programs, our parent coaching programs and our Trauma Informed Paradigm, Emotional Regulatory Healing, visit us at www.coaching-forlife.comor call Lesly in our Denver office at 866-570-0604.

I am stepping out on behalf of 'our' kids; I am taking risks for them. I am asking you to consider stepping out with me.

Peace, Juli

Founder/Sr. Clinical Consultant

coaching for LIFE!

"Juli, can I ask your opinion? Our 8-year old adopted daughter is going through a stage of raging meltdowns - screaming, kicking, hitting, spitting, etc. Our therapist says to hold her close until she calms down but it's 30 minutes or so and is physically and emotionally exhausting. She had three on Monday. The last time, I had her sit al...one in our bathroom, on the fuzzy rug, for 30 minutes. I checked back and she was doing better but then started raging again. So, we tried 30 minutes more. After she was much better so we snuggled and rocked and ended the day on a good note. Yest. I told her that would be our plan. When upset, we have the choice to have a fit or to deal with our feelings and if she chose a fit, we would both get a 30-minute break, not a punnishment but a chance to think. We didn't need it at all. So, is that a constructive or destructive plan? What does she think?Any other ideas? ~Weary Mom!"

Some key pieces of information for you and all of our readers;

The Brain is the Boss of Behavior:Regulated Brain=Regulated Behavior: Dysregulated Brain=RAGE

We know that children who come from the hard place of trauma, abuse and neglect have a brain that has been set to a dysregulated state~ the brain is impacted in mighty ways when children suffer.

The most challenging outcomes for the traumatized child are:

     Struggles maintaining emotional/behavioral/social regulation

     Struggles maintaining relationship

     Struggles learning

     Struggles trusting others to keep them safe

When children feel SAFE and ACCEPTED they do not act out in any way.

When children feel SAFE and ACCEPTED they do not act out in any way.

Read that again... and then again....let it sink in.

As a matter of fact, when you and I feel SAFE and ACCEPTED we do not act out in any way.

SAFETY and ACCEPTANCE brings regulation back to the brain, slowly at first and over time more securely.

so let's consider her RAGE~

Rage is dysregulated. Her brain is dysregulated; certainly a regulated child would not rage~agreed?

A dysregulated brain will ALWAYS produce dysregulated behavior, period.

If we know through her behavior that she is dysregulated, our first and only move must be back to regulation~ A regulated brain=regulated behavior.

Regulation comes through SAFETY and ACCEPTANCE....

ANY and EVERYthing we can do before the rage starts, to create SAFETY and ACCEPTANCE will keep the rages minimized. Once the rage starts it is harder; however even in the midst of the chaos, her chaos, YOUR PEACE will bring about her peace more quickly.

So here is what i recommend; NOTE; if you try this once or twice, it may not work. If you do this, for 30 straight days, not only will it work, she will be different, you will be different, your home and life will be different.

Every day for the coming 30 days, tell her something like this, in your words: "Honey, i get sad when you rage. I know you must not trust me to keep you safe and to protect you, and to make you feel good when you rage. RAGE is fighting, and you would only fight if you were afraid. I wonder if you feel afraid?

Be open to whatever comes back, negative or positive, with an open, quiet, peaceful mind. listen, do not correct anything she says. ask her more about what she says; ie...she says something like 'you don't know anything, don't talk to me like that!!!' you would simply say, 'you are right, i do not know what this is like for you. will you tell me? i want to know. i never want you to be alone again. I want to earn your trust.'  and then when she rages, which she will:

Sit very quiet, do not speak, talk or touch her (holding Exacerbates the fear, EVERYTIME. more later) Stay in the room, do not leave her alone, be far enough away to protect yourself if needed, but always in eyesight, earshot. don't stare at her, but be fully present emotionally.

As you are with her, work to FEEL HER, not you, HER> FEEL HER FEAR, remember her pain, remember her past, remember what made her this way. GET INTO THAT FEAR with her so that she is no longer alone in it.

if what we have been doing does not work, and it hasn't, WE MUST CHANGE before 'our' children can change. We must do something different. Break this cycle.

Every single interaction with her for 30 days should be geared toward SAFETY and ACCEPTANCE.

Every single conversation, move, game, meal, bathtime, bedtime, transition time etc for 30 days must be filled with SAFETY and ACCEPTANCE to set this in motion in her brain first....And The Brain IS the Boss~

The work for you and I is to remain regulated ourselves so that we can provide that regulation for our children.

Take care of your stress, BE HEARD, HELD, TOUCHED and LOVED so that you can give all of that to your child. If you don't have that in your life, GET IT, NOW.

you can not give away that which is not yours.....

give this a shot, and write back on the page so we can all learn and grow together. If you need more direct consult, please contact Lesly@coaching-forlife.com who can schedule a coaching call for us!

Looking forward to hearing from you, until the next Coaches Corner~

Peace, juli

www.coaching-forlife.com